Sunday, August 23, 2009

I'm torn

*********Warning this post is way too long, Holly, don't feel obligated to read it***********

This is a short story made long.

Lately, as many of my friends know, I have been on this honesty kick. I am not trying to be more honest with others, (I do way to much of that) I am trying to be more honest with myself. For example, I will have chicken, brown rice, and peas and carrots for dinner. I'll pick around the chicken, eating it the very last, and then I'll eat the peas and again picking around the cooked carrots eating them the very last. Why can't I just be honest with myself and admit that


Why do I go through this song and dance about how it is good for me, my body needs protein, yada yada yada. I don't like it, I'm NOT EATING IT! This honesty thing all started from 3 failed diets, 1. weight watchers, 2. the abs diet and 3. the 2000 calorie diet (you have to eat over 2000 calories a day, sounds simple, but try it, it was torture for me) So my loving and caring Dad, obviously noting my crippling depression over my weight, gave me this book called "I can Make You Thin" It has 4 rules

1. EAT when you are hungry
2. Eat what you want, not what you think you should eat.
3. Eat consciencely and enjoy every mouthful.
4. STOP when you are full.

That is it. Sounds simple enough, and it is, it is so much simpler than the afore mentioned diets. But it has caused me to think so much more and be so much more honest with myself about food. For example, on Thursday night I really wanted some kind of peanut butter, so I thought I better have dinner so I can have a little chocolate and peanut butter, well you know what forget it! (Rule number 2) I skipped dinner and took the peanut butter jar and poured chocolate chips in it and ate them with a big spoon. How do you like me now. Truth be told, I have been doing this "diet" for 3 weeks and I have not lost or gained 1 pound, but I no longer have to force myself to eat and I have lost a lot of the anxiety about food that I have.

Anyways, back to my original dilemma. Because of this honesty thing, I thought I should be completely honest about the things I do like and tell people I like them. So on Friday night while I was in my office listening to an NPR pod cast, I chose an interview with an author of the book "A Happy Marriage" The interview was remarkable, amazing, I almost cried. So, I decided to write the author a letter telling him how much I enjoyed his interview and the content of his book. Well, he wrote me back! telling me thank you for the letter, it was very nice, things like that. So Saturday morning I went to the Library to check out another book by him. The book is 704 PAGES! I started it on Saturday and it is excellent. Here is where my dilemma lies. I know the book is scary, I know that it is crazy scary and if you don't know me that well, I'll just tell you I can't even watch prime time tv dramas. They give me really bad dreams. So I am torn about what to do. Do I read the book, but only to invest 350 pages and then have to put it down and be scared for several days until I can get the images out of my mind, or do I just skip it all together. (but the author wrote me an email)

Anyways, short story very very long, I know my sister Holly will never read this post. But I had to put it out there. I am trying to be more honest and I am so happy someone was honest with me back. By the way, the book is at the top of this post.


Kiran said...

Okay, let's be honest.
I am in envy that the author wrote back. I will read the book for you. The whole Model murder with no teeth or fingers has really messed me up. So , I'm a little densensetized? Sorry if that's TMI.
I am reading walk two moons and we started reading it to the girls tonight. It makes me laugh out loud, a 1000 times cuter than junie b jones.

JAG said...

I just read the whole post! How do you like me now (my favorite line)??? BAM! ROASTED!!

I'm with Kiran. Let her read it... No need to have too scary thoughts in your mind. I almost didn't get through hunger games...

But how cool is that to get a personal e-mail?

What is this Walk Two Moons?

Mama Nirvana said...

I love scary and intense books, so now I am curious. I also appreciate people that actually WRITE on a blog rather than only snippets and pictures. So I tend to prefer long posts to short ones. Good for you for being honest. Are you someone who spends a lot of time worrying about what others' might think, rather than what is important to you?


Boop said...

Because I want to be 20 years old again, go back to school, and be an FBI profiler, nothing much scares me. I'm going to read that book and I'll let you know what I think. American Justice, City Confidential,Notorious, and Cold Case Files are some of my favorite TV shows.

Becky said...

Personally I wouldn't read the book, but it's only because I am extrememly prone to the power of suggestion. Even if I watch something as benign as American Idol right before I go to bed, like it or not, Ryan Seacrest will usually make an appearance--sometimes on rollerskates, sometimes not. What does that mean? Anyway, I had to give up any sort of intense TV shows for the same reason. And yeah, that model murder is just downright disturbing. What is wrong with people!

Mark and Karen said...

It's not worth the nighmares...don't read it.

I love your honesty and your post, you are human after all... ;-)